All I want is not to need you now
by Cordelia
Summary: Cordelia is having some issues and Angel doesn't get it.


Author: Cordelia  
  
Title: All I want is not to need you now  
  
Rating: PG-13.just incase.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Angel or Cordelia, but I do own the feelings.I needed to vent and this seemed the way to do it.  
  
Notes: I was busy moping so I thought I would make it into a story.  
  
Cordelia's POV: I can hear him knocking on the door. I'm stuck at the hotel. My place got a little ruined in the last fight and I have to stay here until they fix my place up. Angel was worried about me and unfortunately I got stuck in the room adjoining his. We share on bathroom and I'm telling you, for a guy who doesn't have a reflection he spends an awful lot of time in the bathroom. I'm sitting on the cold tile floor, doing what I do best.crying. It's my newest thing; I'm quite good at it too. My face gets red and puffy.I look horrible. He is knocking really hard now. I've been crying for hours. He is yelling at me, that isn't going to get me to open the door, I wonder if he knows that.  
  
I stare at my reflection. I've been looking at it for 20 years and it hasn't changed a bit. Well, maybe a little.I could look at it back then and admire it. Now, when I look into the mirror I tear myself apart, piece-by- piece. I'm finally finding myself and I hate what I see. He's banging now and threatening to rip the door off the hinges. I don't want to listen so I throw the soap dish at the mirror. It shatters and the pieces that fly towards me cut my face. The pieces that land on the ground reflect the sunset that is streaming in through the window. I wish I was a vampire, then I could just poof! I wipe my running nose on my sleeve notice the blood that appears as I wipe away the salty wetness my tears have left behind. I laugh at myself for being so stupid and pick out a piece of glass that looks about a good size. I want him so much. He doesn't know it. He doesn't have a clue. I stand close to him sometimes so I can barely touch his cold skin with my own, he doesn't know that I do, but I do. I can stare into his eyes hours upon end, I just sink into them. He's so dense.I love him, I would do anything for him, he just doesn't want me. I tell myself he doesn't want me, he'll never want me, but the more I say it the less comforting it gets. I'm so tired of it all.  
  
I pull up my pants and place the glass at one side of my thigh. Then, I press down until I see a tiny drop of blood form on top of my skin. I smile sadly, because I can't feel anything, then I slowly run the glass over my thigh to the other side. I kind of like the red against my skin, red always was my colour. I make an identical line right under the first, I still can't feel anything. I'm starting to get a little dizzy, Blood loss and all that. I'm kind of tired too. I think I'll take a nap.  
  
Angel's POV: I am banging on the door. She has been in there, crying, for hours. She has been so sad lately, every time I look into her eyes I can see all the pain she carries around. I want to gather her up in my arms and just make it all go away. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. She isn't responding to my knocking or my yelling. I am threatening her and I know that isn't the way to get her out, I just lost all other options. I suddenly hear glass shatter and a small whimper. The crying has stopped and all I hear are soft little gasps of pain. I'm starting to worry, but I don't know what to do. I'll just wait a while and see if she comes out.  
  
I shouldn't have waited. It's been ten minutes and no noise has escaped the room since I decided I was going to wait. That's it, she won't be very happy, but I don't have much choice. I break the knob with a simple twist and the vision that greets me makes my stomach churn. Cordelia is lying on the floor, pale and bloody. I scold myself for waiting and not coming in sooner. I can still hear her heart beating, but it's weak and slow. I gather her up and carry her over to her bed. Most of the cuts have stopped bleeding, but there is dried blood everywhere. I gently wake her up to see if she is ok and she mumbles a bit and then curls over onto her side and falls asleep again. I can hear light snoring and I think she'll be all right. I go into the bathroom and find a washcloth; I soak it in hot soapy water and carefully wring it out before bringing it to Cordelia's bed. She is fast asleep and I am going to have to do this on my own.  
  
I gently strip her of her clothes, save her bra and panties. If I wasn't trying to be so decent right now I would stop and admire her beautiful body. I bathe her with the washcloth and soon she no longer has blood on her, it's all on the cloth. After putting the cloth in the hamper I go through her drawers and try to find something she could wear to bed. I found a tank top and some flannel pants, I've seen her wear them before; so I know they are ok. I have to hold my breath while I dress her; it's just too much running my hands on her bare flesh. I feel kind of dirty touching her and her not knowing I am touching her. I wish I could do this more quickly.  
  
She is dressed now and under the covers. It's over for today; I just hope she's ok tomorrow. 


End file.
